Hey guys 🙂 welcome back or welcome to the blog (if this happens to be the first post you’re seeing). This post is a bit of a unique one… pretty personal, vulnerable and tackles probably the hardest decision I’ve ever made. I hope this story might hold something for you (even if it is just a reminder that true self-love is hard as shit), and once again am so grateful that i can share this little part of me with you.
So, to give you a little context:
I (like many of my peers) applied for the position of head girl or “Head Pupil” for the year 2022. I figured out, throughout the last four years, that I’m pretty passionate about leadership. Leadership as a form of connecting with others, serving and inspiring them and working together to make this harsh world just that little bit kinder. Leading with an open heart and an even more open mind. Leadership that involves creatively solving problems, and creating spaces of inspiration and motivation where everyone, EVERYONE, can achieve their best and feel valued and fulfilled in their own way. So… I signed up to the rigorous (and somewhat daunting) process.
Then all sorts of pretty incredible things happened… all at once. From inspiring international conferences to SA waterpolo tours in Czech, i found myself feeling far too lucky and surrounding by so many amazing things (and people). And then, as I land in South Africa after a 13 hour flight from Qatar (literally sitting in my airplane seat as the captain says “thank you for flying with us ladies and gents”), my friend tells me that they’ve just announced me as head pupil of Roedean for 2022.
Trying to explain how i felt, over the days that followed, would be futile. I still cant put into words the sheer amazement and gratitude and excitement and apprehension that was racing through me. And yet, there was something else too… this kind of disbelief and almost tiredness (the best way i can explain it), which at the time i thought was merely due to a sleepless, stinky airplane flight after a demanding tournament.
Nonetheless i met with my family and spent the next few days in a chaotic, thankful trance in which SO much happened. Small things. Seemingly insignificant things. But things that were still mostly wonderful and still made me feel like the luckiest 17 year old there was.
And then life decided to do what it is so very good at and get a little… messy. Scratch that, VERY messy. There were still incredible and beautiful things in everyday, but i found myself noticing them less and less. In between the tension that i now found between me and far too many people (most of who i love more than i can say), the stress of the absolute mayhem of the end of the year and some tough family situations to come to terms with, i found myself less and less like… well, myself.
I personally was fighting some of my own inner issues – from my own identity to eating disorders – and i took a big knock on my path of healing and discovery (more on that later). I was the most stressed and unhappy that I’ve ever been. There were whispers and uncertainty about the announcement and the process of leadership as a whole, and i learnt my very first hard lesson before i could truly catch my breath: Leadership is lonely.
“Leadership and learning are indispensable to each other.”
John F. Kennedy
The “off-feeling” of my friends/life in general wasn’t really the issue though. Neither was the stress or the insane amounts of catch up and ever growing to-do list. No. The worst thing about my late October/Novemberish was how “un-me” i felt. I was making some world class silly decisions and not doing what was right for myself, which in turn was affecting those around me. I was trying so hard to “achieve” and not just achieve but achieve perfection, and i was already putting way too much on myself. There were countless complications and commitments and things i wanted to do and be but… couldn’t.
Mentally, emotionally and physically, i was so very unhealthy. Regardless of all that i “achieved”.
Luckily for me, I’m surrounded by a lot of really, truly incredible people, who (in a number of different ways), helped me realize something had to change. I decided i would not let the Roedean culture of overachieving, would not let MY OWN culture of overachieving, be to my detriment.
So (and i can’t say I’ve done this often), i decided to practice what i had been preaching and, after some very tough and long conversations, came to the decision to step down from the role of Head Student of 2022.
I thought I’d not only include the address i wrote to my peers (below) , but also my application video for the role of head student (above) :
This was probably one of the hardest things I’ve had to do, and yet i am so very grateful i did it.
The last month has been quite surreal – it has been one of the most incredible and humbling experiences of my life and I have been incredibly grateful for the amazing response and support I have received from so many of you, your families, the teachers, coaches and the broader Roedean Community. I have also been super excited about the potential impact I could have in my new role and the opportunity to work with all the amazing leaders in our grade to create an inclusive, incredible yet imperfect environment in which we can all learn, grow and flourish.
In my motivation video, I spoke about being vulnerable, kind, imperfect, true to myself and acting with integrity, and today is a true test of all of these. I also mentioned in my video that the last 2 years have been particularly tough for me, (and many of you probably feel the same way). But as I said I am also extremely grateful, as these tough times have forced me to reflect on what is important to me and who I truly am. I have however learnt even more about myself in the last month – more than I could ever have imagined….
Over the last 4 years since joining Roedean, I have been lucky enough to have had so many amazing opportunities that I have been incredibly thankful for. We are so privileged to be here with incredible facilities, amazing teachers, passionate coaches and fantastic support staff, unlimited opportunities for development and exposure and the ability to get involved in outreach and service. This leadership process made me reflect on why I have got involved in all the thing I have at Roedean and it was never about becoming Head Student but rather because I felt a sense of responsibility to make the most of all of these opportunities and to be honest, getting involved in them just really made me happy. I respect & admire the excellence and achievements inspired by Roedean – I really do. However I think we all know that many of us get caught in this “Culture of over achieving”, at the expense of ourselves and those around us.
If I look at my past few months, it has been an incredible time where I have achieved many of the goals that I had set for myself, however I have also been acutely aware of the fact that I have acting out of character, doing things I am not proud of and not being the person I wanted to be. I realised that in the pursuit of perfection and excellence I have been compromising my mental and physical wellbeing, and not been true to myself. And that is why I have spent the last two weeks having some really tough conversations….
I believe that it is time to stop compromising my own well-being and the wellbeing of everyone at Roedean, in order to fulfil this “need to succeed”. Excellence is an amazing thing but not at the expense of our physical and mental wellbeing. And it is for this reason that I have decided that if I really wanted to be true to myself and what I told you all in the video, that I have to make one of the hardest decisions I have ever made in my life – by stepping down as Head Student for 2022.
It has been such an amazing honour to even be considered for this role and this in no way undermines it. I am so thankful that there are such amazing candidates that ran for the role with me. And so I am absolutely delighted to be handing over the reig ns to one of these amazing individuals. I am incredibly passionate and committed to still do my bit for Roedean, to lead in whatever ways I can, to follow and support my peers, and to be the best version of myself in everything I do.
As ridiculously hard as this has been for me to do, I truly believe that by putting myself first I will have a more significant impact and hopefully show some of you the importance of prioritising yourselves, in whatever way might be important to you. I am hoping that we can all be a little kinder to ourselves, and in the process enable ourselves to be kinder to others. So let’s stop compromising our wellbeing for the need to succeed, and please prioritise your own well being so that we can all live bravely, vulnerably, authentically and make this world a better place.
But you know what the most incredible part of this whole, crazy experience was?
The response and support I received from people. The way that my choice to do this touched some others.
Whenever I’m struggling to accept my decision and trying to understand why it was the right choice, i think about the effect it had on even a few people. I think about the fact that i can still do and be everything i said i would, without the title or the green blazer (a hard lesson i had to learn).
I think about what i said in my motivation video, and how to truly “not strive for perfection” but rather strive to be me, i had to step down.
And i had to realize that mine wasn’t a weak choice, but rather an incredibly strong one.
Let go of the illusion that it could have been any different.
– some words that seriously helped me.
So thank you. Thank you for reading my story. I hope it might be a reminder to put yourself first. To strive for authenticity, not perfection. That a the end of the day, there are things far more important than your name on a board or a special blazer. That we are so much more than any of our titles or achievements.
Wabi Sabi 
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