Wabi Sabi

I would be willing to bet almost anything, that i am not alone in having had the experience of Recovery.

In having to re-build, re-find, re-grow yourself in some way or another after breaking, losing, hurting yourself.

I personally am undertaking the journey of recovering from Anorexia. And while it is certainly different in some respects to, say, drug or alcohol abuse, an eating disorder is (when you really look at it) a kind of addiction.

“We’re all a bunch of addicts, struggling with the drug of our choice.”

-JM Storm (altered)

I thought I’d talk about it a bit here, because Recovery is not something i see talked about nearly enough. Understandably as, in a lot of ways, it sucks.

But it is also one of the greatest choices you can ever make for yourself.

My mom made it very clear to me early on in life to not lie, so i won’t:

The process of recovering felt worse than the disease itself.

I felt like a part of myself was screaming at me for months on end. I think the really tough thing about Recovering from any addiction is that it’s so incredibly personal. This part of you, however harmful, toxic and terrible, is YOU. And it feels like you are actually killing off this part slowly (which you kind of are).

It took me so long to stop being angry with that part of myself, and actually try to treat it with kindness. To acknowledge why it was there, what it was feeling, to question it – instead of shouting at it.

It was, and still is somedays, the hardest thing mentally that I’ve gone through. I had to break down habits, create newer kinder ones. I took time to re-find my love for life, but i had to be constantly careful that i wasn’t entirely “listening to myself” and what i wanted to do – part of me wanted to undereat and over-exercise. The balance between self-love and doing tough things for yourself that actually hurt part of you (because it is what you need, not want) is so fragile.

It took me a long time to start enjoying the things i used to, and even then, it was different. I was different.

(I’m learning slowly to not feel overwhelmed and lost by this but rather excited to all the new passions and joys i can find.)

It was not even close to a linear process, more like an erratic scribble on a page that jumps up and looks steady some days only to crumble and plummet others. Taking one day at a time was incredibly important. One hour if that was too much.

Something else that really, really helped was having a list of “Why?”

Why am i Recovering? Every time my resolve faltered, and my self-doubt surged back along with temptations of old habits, i would look at this list. I would read my own words to myself. The ones about the pain it caused my loved-ones. About the memories, moments and time i lost. About my strength, love and joy and how it slipped away from me.

About how i became unrecognizable, even to myself.

It sometimes feels like an impossible battle, and the fact that I’ll have to grapple with it my whole life is an seriously exhausting idea. The guilt I’d feel, everyday, while trying to do what was right for me, almost suffocated me at times.

And yet… I would do it again ten times over, knowing that I now have the capacity to be myself again;

to make other people feel loved and happy, to do things which make me feel loved and happy. To make memories and cook in the kitchen with my dad without worrying about the amount of oil we use. To celebrate birthdays properly by eating the cake at them. To laugh and engage with my mom again and giving her the love she deserves. To feel strong and confident and to exercise to love me not to punish me. To play Waterpolo, well again, and do It because I absolutely adore it not to burn calories. To be able to travel the world by myself, meet amazing people, try new foods and fall back in love with life.

I never want to go back to THAT Lulu.

The one that was doing ab exercises at 8pm trying to “burn off the calories” I had that day. The Lulu who was constantly trying to have a smaller waist, or a bigger bum, have more toned arms or a better jawline.

I wouldn’t want anyone, especially those who i love, to have to give up things that make them happy and lose themselves trying to please others or be like them. Or get to the point where you hate yourself and your body when it is the most miraculous incredible thing ever.

Trust me I get it, loving yourself is an immensely difficult thing to do in a world where it is so confusing to do it, and where there is so much fake modesty and comparison around.

But it will always be better to fight the battle of loving yourself, than to fight the battle of not loving yourself. I’m still fighting it now and recovery will be a lifetime thing for me, but I would rather that than become the Lulu I was at my worst again.

My family likes to say, nowadays, that i “got my sparkle back”.

And honestly, however cliche it sounds, i think they might be right 🙂

I’m nowhere near perfect, i still mess up, and i would certainly still classify myself as having an eating disorder (as i think i always will). But I’m trying. Trying to love more, and spread more joy and be more kind, especially to myself. Trying to explore life and enjoy it and laugh and smile and run and breathe and all the other wonderful million things we humans are lucky enough to get to do.

If you are recovering, or know someone who is;

It gets easier. Incredibly, excruciatingly slowly it gets better. Life will flood back into you, i promise, and as long as you’re trying, you should be so so proud.